


Patterns of Warmth, 11 - Collide

by IreneClaire



Series: Dimensions [18]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drabble, Drabble Collection, Established Relationship, Idiots in Love, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:53:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26332201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IreneClaire/pseuds/IreneClaire
Summary: "I do," Steve whispered and that sad, contrite tone was back in his voice."You do what?" Danny muttered into the frying pan."I think about us … you .. all the time. And it's just that … I'm not good for you. Not like you want," Steve continued to whisper over Danny's shoulder."You're not good for me?" Danny couldn't hide the surprise he felt as he whirled around, nearling colliding with Steve's chest. This time, he did drop the spatula. It hit the floor between them and then skidded a greasy path under the prep table. His anger and righteousness came back in a flash. He'd made one helluva mistake in judgement.
Relationships: Steve McGarrett & Danny "Danno" Williams, Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams
Series: Dimensions [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1022352
Comments: 38
Kudos: 102





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Hawaii Five-0 or any characters. No copyright infringement intended.
> 
> Notes: One more diversion in this AU Verse. This is a project that I'd wanted to complete for a long time now. Based on the song "Collide" by Howie Day. A song that IMO, completely applies to Steve and Danny's relationship.
> 
> The way it seems to have come out is part of the established AU of Patterns of Warmth. A moment in time - very early on in the AU - where each has their doubts about how fast things are moving. Doubts abound. So this has become a bit of a study of an argument and how that argument might solidify their relationship.
> 
> PS - I am still working on Patterns: Connections.

**H5O* H5O* H5O* H5O* H5O**

The beam of morning sunlight stretched a thin swath across Danny's eyes. He turned his head just enough to evade it and then squinted his eyes open when he felt Steve's breaths, slow and even, across his face. Steve was sleeping, but not for long. Dawn was breaking and it was his time. In fact, he'd be surprised to find Danny awake first, silently studying his face. Depending upon his waking mood, Steve could be gone. Already off for his swim. But sometimes he'd be there like now and Danny might be able to judge if Steve would be receptive to more affection or … completely closed off as he argued the day ahead.

Eyes soft and fond, Danny opted for the former sending out that private wish which begged for Steve to sleep in that morning. To stay right where they were and to be selfish together for just a little while. For this wish to work, Danny didn't dare move. Steve was barely waking and Danny was entangled up within the warm nest of Steve's arms and legs. Comfortably cocooned, an errant arm slung across a hip. Fingers loosely connected, Danny could stay content like this indefinitely. Steve not so much and Danny sent out that wish again to whatever deity might be listening. He prayed that Steve not wake as abruptly as he most often did to break that morning's peaceful spell.

As he often did, Danny wished that Steve would sleep a little longer. Cuddle a bit closer. Stay in bed with him in the silence of their room and not leave him alone. As a soft contented sigh passed over his lips, Danny knew it all very well could be a hopeless plea. With the warmth of the sun streaming through the bedroom windows and the breeze scented like ocean and plumeria, Steve would wake up and likely opt for his usual routine. In some ways things had greatly changed. In other ways though, nothing had changed at all.

But this was what unconditional love was all about, wasn't it? Even if it might be a one way street all of which was Danny's doing. His _problem_ and maybe even his fault alone that he'd fallen in love harder and truer than his partner. More's the truth that Danny was indeed tangled up in everything about Steve; not just that morning's bedding. Danny wasn't at all sure that Steve felt the same way though. Sure Steve loved him. But Danny was slowly coming to the realization that it might not be exactly the same type of love that he was feeling. Now, as he watched Steve sleep, an ache twisted inside Danny's chest and he tried to conquer it by breathing in time with his partner. Slow and steady. Matching Steve's soft rhythm. Wanting this to be more than just a flitting, peaceful moment in time.

Danny had fallen in love - head over heels hard - and feared the potential end result of this starstruck collision. He tried to banish his negative thoughts. Suppose his feelings weren't reciprocated though? Just suppose, Danny had gotten it all wrong and that was why Steve rarely deviated from his usual rituals? Just maybe Steve was cool by having a friends with fringe benefits relationship and it was all on Danny for rocking this particular boat?

Controlling the most subtle of his movements, Danny continued to study Steve's face. The dark brown lashes were as perfect as the blue of his eyes. Even the tiny scars couldn't mar handsome features. He'd wake though and the softness Danny was drinking in might dissolve in milliseconds. Still, Danny would love those changes, too. At least most of them.

Steve's leg twitched beneath the blankets and Danny waited, breath baited as that same leg ran an unconscious, traitorous path along Danny's own. Danny briefly closed his eyes as Steve's knee nudged upwards along his thigh. There were rare special moments when Steve's waking might be much like a cat's. Slow and languorous, something which Danny had fast learned to embrace. So Danny was smiling, hoping for the long lie-in as more of the gentle sleepy tide continued. The deeper inhale. A twitch of Steve's nose. Face still lax and gentle, the sleepy parting of his lips. Other cues quietly layering one upon another as Steve started to come back to life.

Danny braced himself when he spied the subtle flare of tension through Steve's jawline. The way he tightened his lips and his breathing altered just enough. The sensation of a deeper inhale and longer exhale. Then the way Steve's legs lengthened to slowly start untangling from Danny's. Before that could happen though, Danny hooked his heel to anchor Steve's calf to the bed. He leaned in, capturing Steve's lips while his eyes were still just beginning to flutter.

 _If he could just forestall the inevitable by kissing it all away._ Danny smiled gently when his kiss was returned. A languid warmth deepened by morning breath and dry lips was palpable in the air; a need to shave roughened raw sensations. These doubled as Danny rubbed his own cheek along Steve's jawline, pressing kisses to the damp musty hollow of his neck, silently begging Steve to stay and while away the morning hours together. Eyes still lazily closed, Steve's lips twitched upwards as he roused and then squeezed Danny's fingers in slow recognition.

"Morning," Danny murmured when the kiss ended, trying to keep the moment as Steve finally opened his eyes. Danny leaned in to run his nose over Steve's begging for another kiss, happy when Steve obliged, accompanying his affection with a teasing hum.

"Morning," Steve whispered with a smile, his breath hot as he worried at a portion of Danny's bottom lip, leaving it sensitive and pulsing for more attention. Steve's lazy smile lit up his eyes and Danny grinned back, stupidly still believing he'd won this morning's round as he ran his fingers lightly through Steve's hair. Danny could not have been more incorrect about his assumption though as Steve woke faster, taking Danny's fingers in his own to press a suddenly very chaste kiss to his open palm.

"Stay," Danny whispered at the same time Steve was already looking over Danny's head. Beyond the bed towards the window.

"Nice morning. Weather's perfect," Steve noted. His expression changed in a dime and Danny's contented bubble burst. "Swim. Then breakfast," he announced, but not before he planted a final and very abrupt kiss to the crest of Danny's forehead. The smile wasn't entirely gone but Steve's general demeanor had changed in a heartbeat. Shutters drawn, the same tired, old game was in play and once again, Danny had lost.

"Damn weather's always perfect," Danny griped as Steve began to roll away from him. "That's … that's it?"

Disgruntled, Danny couldn't help sounding aggrieved after his hopes had been dashed. He shouldn't complain and yet his disappointment blossomed. Something which Steve seemed either oblivious to or had chosen to ignore. Danny blinked in surprise as Steve continued that roll to his feet, taking half the blankets along with the motion.

"Yeah? Why? What?" Steve asked, already gone, disappearing into the bathroom. "Put the coffee on?"

Not a question or request really, but an assumption that Danny found himself suddenly resenting. He blinked again as Steve disappeared into the bathroom and the door snicked shut as it always did. Moments later, the toilet flushed. Water ran in the sink and then Steve was back in the bedroom, grabbing up a pair of boardies, unapologetically naked, until he all but slammed his legs into them. A dry towel was flung over a shoulder and without even a fare-thee-well glance over his shoulder, Steve was thudding barefooted down the stairs.

Disappointment rolled through Danny like a wave as he flipped onto his back. Staring up at the ceiling, alone in the and left with only half the sheets and blankets around him, Danny heard the distant sound of the sliders opening. There was a soft thud as they closed, leaving him alone.

The silence in the house was deafening.

Once again, Steve had made his choice. That day, he'd be _closed_ then; his usual modus operandi. Danny could look forward to another day of playful conversation. Skirting around the reality of their existence with a vague attention to detail. While he should have been used to it, that morning, the pang which Danny felt hurt with a physicality he'd not anticipated. He tried to pocket it away and push it aside as he always did but Danny was struggling and not at all sure he could or even wanted to continue down this particular path. He yearned for more. He needed to know where they stood for sure - a topic Steve always managed to completely avoid.

But did it matter? Was he over reacting? Danny tried to convince himself for the umpteenth time that if Steve was good at being closed off, then he, Danny, was equally adept at handling superficial relationships. And, that in the end, he would as always, handle the inevitable rejection.

That morning though, it was a bald-faced lie. Danny had had enough of the superficial. Steve meant more to him than anyone he'd ever met. Then, there was also the issue of Danny's kids. Their involvement upped the ante tenfold and Danny couldn't risk their emotional well-being with mere fringe relationships; ones that only teased of a genuine authenticity. Therefore, something was going to have to give. Besides, he was going to have to do something about this or he'd drive himself insane.

What Danny hadn't actually planned out was how he planned to manage that _something_ and he wanted to kick himself for what he said first when Steve came back from his swim over an hour later, dripping and toweling himself off in the kitchen. Incapable of editing emotions which had been slowly simmering to the boiling point, Danny pounced before Steve even had a chance to drop the towel in favor of a coffee cup.

"What are we doing here?" Danny blurted.

Any glimmer of welcome bled from Steve's expression as Danny faced him, the kitchen prep table between them.

"What _what_?" Steve managed after a slight pause.

"What are we doing here?" Danny repeated when Steve simply stared at him next. "This? Us? What is this? What is it really?"

He knew his face had flushed red, he could feel the heat. His hand waved almost uncontrollably through the air from himself to Steve, then back again.

"Are we going to do this now?" Steve's eyes hardened.

"Do this _now_? We've never done it before!" Danny rebuked hotly. What the hell? Did Steve know what he was going to say and was he already trying to deflect? Did he already know what he was doing and willing to act oblivious to all else? Allowing his percolating disappointment over the morning's lack of events to boil over, what Danny said next came out as temper. Unedited and full of emotion, he was shouting by the time he got to the last syllable.

"But yeah, I think we should do this thing now anyway. No time like the present, and all that. I mean just let me cut to the chase because it's simple. I'm not good with this friends with benefits thing we … no, not _we_. You! You seem fine with it! _You_ … seem okay with this whole damned thing! And you know what? I'm not good with it Steven and not only because of me, but because of my kids, too!"

Looking dumbfounded, Steve stared at him, hair mussed. Skin still damp. A puddle was beginning to form on the kitchen floor between his feet as his boardies shed water. He said nothing in kind which only rubbed Danny the wrong way.

"You have nothing to say?" Danny challenged him. His hand was back to waving wildly through the air, slicing the space between them. "I need to know what you're thinking. I mean …," And Danny fought to control his anger. He looked at Steve and swallowed hard, opting for even more honesty.

"I mean … I think about us all the time. What we could be like together; what a family might look like. But what do _you_ want, Steve? What do you want from me? From the kids? I need to know because I'm not sure I can keep up." Danny swallowed harder yet as Steve stared back at him, his face blank.

"I mean," he gulped this time as his throat seemed to close up. This discussion wasn't anything he'd orchestrated in his mind. It had gone sideways far too fast. Thrown and completely unsure of the emptiness Danny saw in Steve's eyes, he gamely fought to go ahead with what he needed to say. He needed to get at least the crux of the issue voiced.

"I l… Iove you. You know that much. And well, I want more and if you don't then I need to know. I need to know if I've made a mistake by letting this go too far; by letting myself get too involved when none of this is going to last."

The subsequent grunt of sound wasn't at all what Danny expected. Steve sounded like he'd been sucker punched. The towel slipped from Steve's fingers to fall to the floor. They stood there then, staring at each other, the chasm growing wider with every passing second. Danny had managed to completely blindside his partner. And on the heels of that disturbing sound, Danny's brain simply stopped supplying words to his mouth with what Steve said next.

"This is all I got, Danny," Steve stated softly. His voice was hollow, monotone to match the expression on his face.

Hiding this new pain behind action, Danny turned away, towards the stove where he'd been fixing a lackluster breakfast. He should have just accepted things as they were. The kids were fine; they'd been cool with the whole idea of their Danno's and Uncle Steve's relationship. He should have kept his damned mouth shut and just gone with the McGarrett flow. They'd been butting heads for years, so why would he think this any different? Danny plainly should have known better, but the Williams' familial ability to wear emotions on their proverbial sleeves had won out at the wrong time.

"Danny? I'm sorry," Steve said, interrupting his private thoughts. Danny could tell that Steve hadn't moved from his spot. Water was still dripping down Steve's legs to that same puddle on the floor, letting it expand to slither slowly across the old wood floor. Maybe the beach towel had at least stopped some of its outward flow. Danny was sure that it still lay rumpled at Steve's feet. Why any of it mattered to him at a time like this, Danny didn't know. The thought was stupid just like all his other ones.

"It's fine," Danny replied through a forced, flat sounding laugh. "It's good. Not a problem. I get it and … and it's good we … we agree now. Right? Before something worse happens."

"Worse?" Steve repeated the word, clearly surprised by it. But Danny didn't offer any clarification. He was good at this failed relationship thing after all. He made mistakes. Often. He should have known better because he was too damned good at creating issues. He simply _was_ and he'd figure it all out for himself; he just needed to learn to take whatever he could get and be happy with it. Sort of how he'd been lectured by his grandmother growing up. Exactly the way he often lectured his son, Charlie over a meal the little boy wasn't too keen on eating.

_You get what you get and you don't get upset._

Danny never quite liked the words and now, using them here even inside his own head? He found he hated them as he barked out a rueful laugh all at his own expense. He was a moron.

"What's so funny?" Steve asked. His tone had gone from contrite to guarded.

"Absolutely nothing," Danny said without turning around. Hell, maybe he was wrong because did they ever really have a relationship for him to be so bold to think it had failed? He toyed at the bacon as it over-cooked, not really seeing it, while mulling that thought over.

"Danny?" He jolted in surprise, nearly dropping the spatula. Steve had snuck up behind him. His hands were hovering over Danny's shoulders. Close but not touching.

"I do," Steve whispered and that sad, contrite tone was back in his voice.

"You do what?" Danny muttered into the frying pan.

"I think about us … you .. all the time. And it's just that … I'm not good for you. Not like you want," Steve continued to whisper over Danny's shoulder.

"You're not _good_ for me?" Danny couldn't hide the surprise he felt as he whirled around, nearling colliding with Steve's chest. This time, he did drop the spatula. It hit the floor between them and then skidded a greasy path under the prep table. His anger and righteousness came back in a flash. He'd made one helluva mistake in judgement.

"What the hell does that even mean? Is it that you're not good for me when bullets are flying my way? When you drive my car like a damned lunatic? Or, are you just picking when you're _not_ good for me to suit your own damned needs?! And besides, don't you think that I know what's good for me? _Huh_?"

He poked Steve hard in the chest with his index finger unsure if he was even making sense by that point. But if the Williams's had another fatal flaw, it was evident by the depth of their temper.

"Don't you? Don't you think that I know what's good for me or that I know what I want? And how does that even make sense? Because if you're not good for me … then what makes you think you're good enough for my kids?" Even though he winced, Steve held firm as Danny poked him again, just for good measure. "Well?! Say something!"

"I'm sorry." Steve picked a spot to stare at just off-center of Danny's forehead. Maybe a little higher. Anywhere but directly into Danny's eyes. "I'm sorry. I am."

"Yeah, well that makes two of us," Danny muttered as he stalked out of the kitchen on automatic pilot. "Maybe you're right. Maybe you aren't good for me but not in the way you mean. If that's true, then maybe you aren't good for Grace or Charlie either."

He'd made a mistake of mammoth proportions by thinking this could work for them. Upset by this new belief, he left the bacon burning and the eggs to turn cold. He left it all to go upstairs to the bedroom, then the bath, collecting some of his things to dump them unceremoniously into his go bag until it began to overflow. After weeks and weeks of cohabitation, half his life was already at Steve's house. Really, much more and now that he saw it, Danny knew it was high time to get out of Dodge.

How had all of this stuff wound up here? Grace's books. Charlie's toys. Clothes muddled together on the floor needing to be laundered. Danny should have stopped this long ago. Cutting his losses - _finally_ \- Danny grabbed a second smaller bag, only going for Charlie's favorite clothes, toys and books at the last minute.

"Shit," Danny muttered under his breath. What had he done? They … _no he_ … _he_ had Charlie that weekend and he needed at least his son's favorite toys and clothes. Everything else would have to wait. There was just so much that Danny started to panic. Just what the hell had he been thinking by moving them all in like this?

"Shitshitshit," he cursed again now wondering how he was going to explain to his young son why they were going back to Danno's much smaller house. They hadn't been there, alone, in weeks. Their new normal had become Uncle Steve's place and Charlie's special race car bedroom. Danny never should have allowed this to happen and the fallout to come would be astronomical. He was going to have a helluva lot explaining to do to a little boy who probably wouldn't understand a damned thing he tried to say.

By willingly following Steve, Danny had opened himself and his kids up to a world of disappointment and hurt.

"SHIT!" Danny shouted out loud as he shoved what he could haphazardly into the second bag.

"Danny! Wait! You're … you're leaving?" Steve had followed him and Danny paused, incredulous by the question. He glanced up, unsurprised by Steve's closed off face and lack of emotion in his tone despite the stammer. And therein lay the problem, didn't it?

"What do you think Einstein? Yeah, I'm going. I can't be that friend with benefits. Not with you. It's just not in me," Danny said, thinking now about his son, too. "And I have to think about my kids, too. I can't do this with you and I just should have known better."

He never should have allowed himself to go down this path. Just what the hell had he been thinking?

"But?" Steve started to say something and then stopped.

"But what, Steven?" Danny shook his head, refusing to look into Steve's face one last time as he stammered out a few words. "I got nothing. You got nothing. I can't do this anymore … I tried … call it a fatal flaw, but this thing we're playing at it? It's not in me. I can't do it. It's okay, too. I understand. I get it."

Steve blinked as if fighting something inside and yet, he didn't say a word when Danny nearly collided with him in the doorway to the bedroom. Instead, he backed up a half-step, allowing Danny just enough room to squeeze by. So close, that Danny could smell the mix of sweat and Pacific laced saltwater on Steve's skin.

He hated this so much that his chest hurt. This was not how he'd ever projected this day to have gone and he mentally lambasted himself for being the cause.

_You get what you get and you don't get upset._

Except it was impossible to accept that now.

"Danny?"

He didn't look back when Steve called out to him. He couldn't because he'd wind up compromising again. He'd give in to Steve's eyes and be right back to square one. He didn't want what he had because in the end, what did he have really? _Nothing_. Which risked that his kids had nothing, too. He couldn't do that to them. Upset and barely able to see straight for the tears, Danny refused to answer Steve's call.

He left out the front door without looking back, his shoulder colliding hard with the solid wood of the frame. It hurt so badly, the pain took his breath away. Tears stung behind his lids, giving him the excuse he needed when he literally tripped over nothing on his way to his car.

_**~ to be continued ~** _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Hawaii Five-0 or any characters. No copyright infringement intended.
> 
> Notes: Thank you for the warm acceptance of this little twiddle as a new timestamp addition to Patterns. I really wanted this to feel right.

**H5O* H5O* H5O* H5O* H5O**

Steve stood alone in his house for a long time just staring down the staircase, towards the front door. He felt numb. Lost inside. He had no idea what had just happened. At least that's what he tried to tell himself. A small voice within his soul knew the truth though. It whispered warningly that he'd blown it with Danny and maybe for good this time. He loved Danny. He did. But he'd meant what he'd said, too. That he wasn't good for Danny. He wasn't good _enough_ … he probably never would be … he couldn't trust himself to give Danny what he wanted and needed. Danny deserved so, so much more than Steve's somewhat damaged psyche could provide.

Steve had stupidly thought Danny would accept and understand his excuses. But Danny had argued with him; essentially labeled each one as lame and not at all credible. Worse yet, the light which made Danny's eyes sparkle and his face laugh had evaporated, leaving Danny's expression cold and blank.

_He'd walked out. Danny was gone._

Steve's brain kept misfiring between being wholly justified and that of an ass. The ass was winning out now and Steve swallowed hard, bewildered. What had he done? Steve didn't even need to ask himself the question. He knew that he'd failed his partner entirely. He'd fucked up big time by retreating to practices he'd adopted to keep people at arms-length. Things he used to keep others at a safe distance from him lest they get too close.

He rubbed hard at his eyes because he still wasn't being entirely truthful. Not to keep them safe but to keep himself safe. Wasn't that really the reason? Hadn't he learned this habit from an upbringing largely influenced by mistrust and lies? And wasn't it true now that he'd been following this routine so long, he'd forgotten how to _stop_ when it mattered the most?

"Shit," Steve whispered to himself. Danny was the last person he had to protect himself _from_. Danny was the last person whom Steve needed to keep at arm's length. Lack of trust didn't even figure into the equation. Steve closed his eyes, horrified, nearly forgetting how to breathe. This was all on him. His doubts and his fears. The way he could shut down and appear to be involved - wholly vested - and yet be throwing up wall after wall.

Danny was no fool and was literally calling his lame bluff for what it was. Wasn't that the crux of the problem then? Danny had made all the changes; all the concessions. He'd followed Steve with his usual bevy of complaints and a great show of reluctance. But all of that had been smoke and mirrors because Danny was holding onto Steve as tight as he could. He'd come over - _stayed_ \- then most incredibly given Steve a family.

Trusted him with his kids and all the baggage that came with that too.

And what had Steve continued to do in return? He'd let his fears run amok and allowed himself to shut down time and again when Danny had given of himself one hundred and ten percent. Steve's fears should have become irrelevant. Other than having developed a bad habit, Steve couldn't think of a single valid reason as to why he'd continued this ridiculous push and pull when it came to his relationship with Danny. He should have done so much more, because this? These first few seconds of absolute silence? This was unbearable and he needed to make it right.

Steve clenched his fingers making a fist. He opened his eyes and looked around, breathing in the depth of the emptiness which surrounded him. He was suddenly very alone. The house was far too quiet and the gloomy silence was what jolted him into action. Eyes wide, Steve bolted towards the front door, taking the steps from the second floor, two and three at a time. Feet still bare and slipping on the stairs in his haste, he needed to right a wrong.

"Danny! Wait!" His shout was for nothing though because the Camaro was long gone. There wasn't even a glint of that familiar black outline of metal down the street. But what was left behind was something which must have fallen out of Danny's go-bag and Steve immediately recognized the small object. He felt the air leave his lungs as he walked over, bent down and picked up Charlie's small red sneaker.

Danny wasn't planning on coming back. The empty hole expanded inside Steve's chest. Behind him, an even larger, emptier house loomed.

Steve spared no time throwing on clean clothes, going to the bakery, then the small corner store for a few things. Of course Danny would see through these tiny consolation gifts and yet Steve needed these small rituals to calm his mind as he thought up a way to apologize.

He got over to Danny's house and parked in the road where he sat bereft for another ten minutes just staring at the Camaro parked in the drive. With a worried sigh, Steve's eye wandered over the manicured lawn and then up to the front door. Danny was still paying for professional lawn care. The house looked good from the curb but the mere thought of Danny returning to this house ... alone ... put Steve on edge. The house was nice enough. Certainly, pleasant enough on the outside but on the inside where it had been sitting mostly empty. Closed up and dusty, its warmth was gone because all that was good had been slowly relocated to Steve's larger home.

That lackluster feeling worsened when he let himself in through Danny's kitchen door, arms full of deli food and pastries, lone sneaker shoved under an arm. As he put the bags of food on the kitchen table, Steve registered that the house was too quiet. After being so closed up for so many days, there was an aura of abandonment and a subtle odor of disuse. It was as if the place had indeed become foreign. He was not imagining it.

"Danny?!" Steve called out when he heard a door close to the rear of the house, nearer the bedrooms. Danny was likely opening the windows to freshen the place up. Maybe even beginning to offer an explanation to Charlie and Steve acted. Rushing around the corner from the kitchen, carrying Charlie's sneaker, he nearly collided with Danny in his haste.

"Steve!" Danny was clearly startled as he rebounded off a wall, dropping the clean bed linens he'd been carrying in his arms. "Owe!" He scowled as he rubbed at his shoulder. "Why are you here?"

"Hey," Steve said, automatically grabbing Danny's elbow to steady him. He dropped his hand though when Danny backed up a step, sheets and pillow cases now strewn on the floor between them. His eyes skated over Danny's face, clocking the surprise but then also noting the fact that Charlie wasn't there. Steve tried to smile even as Danny's expression began to change, the blue eyes narrowing until they grew dark with that same anger Steve had seen back at his house.

"Where's Charlie?" Steve deflected out of instinct. He held the red sneaker up in the air. Danny looked at it and then looked back into Steve's face. Anger warred with a vague confusion making it obvious that Danny had no idea what Steve meant.

"At school. It's too early to pick him up. Why are you here?" Danny snapped back.

"You … he dropped his sneaker… In the driveway. And … and." Steve took a deep breath, his next words breathless and rushed. "And so … I wanted to apologize too."

"Charlie's sneaker? That's it? That's why you came here?" The coldness of Danny's expression wasn't anything he'd seen before and Steve briefly wondered why Danny hadn't heard his need to apologize, so he repeated that part.

"No. Not just that. To apologize, too ...I," Steve stopped cold. Danny hadn't moved. Not a single muscle. He was just standing there now, staring at him and Steve felt the heat of a self-conscious blush creep up his neck. There was little doubt that Danny was still very angry. Eyes flashing, Danny was watching him like a hawk, daring him to speak. Intentionally leaving him to struggle through an awkward silence which was up to Steve to fill.

"To also apologize. So, I'm sorry … Danny." He tried. So help him, he did try but Danny seemed to have other ideas.

"Maybe it's too late for that," Danny stated as he took a step closer, crowding Steve's space. "Like I said before, I'm sick of trying and I flatly refuse to hurt my kids any more than they are - then they have been - by the stupidity of the adults around them."

"Hurt the kids? I'd never hurt the kids, Danno," Steve whispered. "Never the kids. Not you either." And was all true enough even if he wasn't sure what the hell had begun to happen as Danny closed in on him, kicking the bedsheets out of the way, to invade his space in the narrow hallway.

"Really?" Tone full of anger, Danny's eyes challenged him.

"Not for nothing," Steve added softly. "I love you. You know that."

There was a flicker of something in Danny's eyes before it was swiftly squashed. Steve read it as a tiny opening and he bravely forged on.

"I do love you," Steve repeated. "I'd never hurt you or the kids."

"I'm not sure I can't trust that. I can't trust that because … even if you don't mean to … you hurt me, Steve. What if you accidentally hurt the kids next? What if that happens?" Danny's voice cracked which ruined the anger and Steve innately knew that Danny didn't mean a word of what he'd just said. In one breath, Danny was blaming himself and his ex-wife for past offenses of which Steve had nothing to do with. In another though, he was protecting his kids from possible future hurts. Steve got that and understood Danny's intent. While it made sense, Steve also knew that he was still treading on thin ice.

"I would never do that," Steve insisted. He took a deep breath understanding Danny's doubts and fears but at a momentary loss of how to reassure him.

"No?" Danny replied. "What I want to know … is why the hell you're _here_ now? In _my_ house." He grabbed the sneaker from Steve's hand only to let it drop to the floor with a soft thud. He was breathing as hard as Steve and yet, his tone was dangerously low.

Steve's mouth fell open as Danny's blue eyes pierced through his heart like twin daggers. For a moment, Steve completely forgot why he'd come or that he'd come to right a wrong. This wasn't playing out like he'd expected and yet, if asked, Steve didn't really know what he'd expected from Danny. His partner's moods could be as phlegmatic as his own, so Steve opted to cut to the chase.

"I knew you'd come here and I wanted to talk this thing out. I also want to apologize. I was wrong this morning. And …I don't know what my problem is …. I mean I do. Which is why I came over to talk ..."

Steve didn't have time to do or say anything else as Danny unexpectedly two-fisted the collar of his tee-shirt. He steeled himself for that punch he expected as Danny shoved him backwards. Tripping over his own two feet, Steve's hands flew up defensively. He grabbed Danny's shoulders at the same time he was slammed backwards into the wall. But the stunned _oomph_ was smothered as Danny crushed his mouth against his, robbing Steve of any breath he had left in his lungs.

Eyes widening a fraction before their teeth collided with a sharp clack, Steve's lips parted even more as Danny roughly kissed him.

"What the fuck?" Steve gasped after the kiss as Danny grabbed his chin to keep him still. "Danno?" Words cut off, that one kiss was followed by more, leaving Steve breathless and completely confused as he reciprocated, chasing Danny's mouth, his lips as best he could.

"Hey? Danny?"

"No. No. You listen. I'm sick of it," Danny hissed into his mouth, each word punctuated by a sharply placed nip. His eyes continued to show his anger, but Steve could feel something else as Danny pressed his body against his to keep Steve up against the wall. "I'm not going to just deal with this and blindly accept whatever the hell it is you think you're giving me! No more compromising. I want all of it. All of _you_! So get your damned act together Steven or else you'll never see me again!"

Still stunned, Steve managed to recover. He moved his hands from their defensive position on Danny's shoulders. He gripped Danny's elbows and drew him in closer, aware of just how hard Danny was through his jeans. Steve winced though as Danny took another nip at his bottom lip. Steve sucked at the exquisite pain, tasting his own blood, emboldened enough to return the favor despite Danny's mood, relishing the way Danny melded himself to his body even more tightly.

"I think about you all the time," Danny rasped repeatedly into Steve's mouth. "I think about you - worry about you - all the damned time. But you? What about you?"

"Me?" Baffled and yet knowing he shouldn't be as the tiny inner voice began to warn him off, Steve stared into Danny's eyes. Almost a trick question but not. Danny wanted a truthful reply and so Steve provided one.

"I… I think about you all the time, too, Danno."

"If you did, you wouldn't leave me every single morning. You'd compromise. Just every once in a while … I'm not asking for the moon. But you never do," Danny leveled the retort as a challenge as he scraped a heated path across Steve's neck with his teeth, almost painfully nipping at the pulse point in Steve's neck. As Danny's hands blindly tore at the hem of his tee-shirt, forcing it off, over Steve's head, he read this anger now as frustration.

"Just _sometimes_ … I want you … I want us. Alone. You know what I need … you know what I want and yet you ignore it. But is what I want sometimes all that difficult for you to give, Steven?" Each word was punctuated by the heat of Danny's breath across Steve's clavicle. Steve shivered when Danny moved lower to follow an even more sensitive track across his bare belly. Kissing, nipping, and all the while talking.

"Is it really supposed to be this hard? Are you really that afraid of me?"

"Afraid? I don't know …," Steve stammered as Danny sucked a warm circle on the ridges of his skin. For a minute, Steve couldn't think at all as Danny worried on that section of skin so hard that Steve could literally feel the bruise developing under Danny's tongue.

"No, you most definitely _do_ ," Danny argued as his hands fell to the almost embarrassing bulge growing inside Steve's cargoes. He leaned upwards, staring into Steve's face. His tone was honest, open, and his icy words hit the mark even if Steve immediately disagreed. "When it comes to _this_ and what we think we're doing together, you've never thought of me in the long term. You think about yourself in the short term. And I can almost understand that … because when it comes to having more … fully committing ...you're scared. Admit it."

"Scared? M'not _scared_ ," Steve gasped as his breath practically stutter-stopped inside his chest along with how Danny's fingers were gently massaging his dick. He _was_ scared though. Even though he'd invited Danny into his house. Moved the kids in and then virtually adopted the role of surrogate parent, all with Danny's blessings, Steve _was_ scared to death of how much things had changed.

"Yes, you are," Danny whispered as Steve heaved in a broken breath of air. "Admit it. Admit it because I'm scared too. You're scared of me," he plowed on as he palmed Steve harder, almost to the point of discomfort. "You're scared of _us_. You ...," and Danny pressed harder yet. "You are scared to know that you are always … _always_ … on my mind … and not just about sex."

Steve swallowed hard because that made sense too. He wasn't used to being needed.

No. No that was wrong. Not needed but _wanted_. Steve was needed a lot of times by a lot of different people. Being _wanted_ was a completely different angle which Steve was not used to coping with and ergo, that translated into a certain uneasiness. One could say that this uneasiness was, in all actuality, a certain flavor of fear.

"Steve?"

"Yeah?" He whispered back as he stared into the blue of Danny's eyes.

"You don't need to be scared."

Steve had no answer. This weird juxtaposition of anger, frustration and sheer wantonness was their standoff. He saw it all in Danny's face and knew his own expression mirrored the same, replacing Danny's anger with his own confusion. Steve rubbed at his eyes not knowing where to land. They were both on the very same page except Danny was finally being brave enough to confront every aspect of it. Steve was indeed afraid. Of accepting Danny's love … of screwing up the kids by co-parenting the wrong way. After all, what kind of examples had he had growing up? Certainly he'd never experienced anything like the warmth of Danny's large family back in Jersey. Besides, Danny was already a damned good father.

Just what the hell did he have to offer?

"What are you thinking?" Danny whispered.

"I don't know," Steve whispered back. "I don't know what to say."

Steve felt the blush warm his neck. At a loss for words, he managed to get his hands to work. He cupped the nape of Danny's neck, only to rock his forehead gently against Danny's. His free hand met Danny's elbow before finding its way under Danny's shirt where he splayed his fingers over Danny's chest as close to his heart as he could get to feel it beating. Solid, steady and strong. Danny raised his hands to gently grip Steve's forearms. So connected and yet so far apart.

"Not leaving you unless you don't get that broken head of yours out of your ass," Danny murmured softly. "Please."

Steve felt the tremor that one word caused him clear down to his toes.

 _Please_.

Danny still wanted him. But he was desperate for so many things which Steve wasn't sure he could give him. Nevertheless, Danny was giving him a chance to catch up and get with the program. Danny's eyes were closed now, his cheeks flushed. Steve could feel the subtle hitch in Danny's own breathing. Steve kissed the top of Danny's head, then his cheek, early day stubble rough because he'd not taken time to shave that morning. Steve couldn't risk losing him or the kids. Danny was willing to wait for him to figure this all, too. He'd wait, but for just so long for his kids' sakes. Steve got it. And he pulled Danny in tighter still, trying to communicate his apology and understanding. All of this reason enough as to why he'd come to the house using a lousy sneaker as an excuse.

He couldn't risk the one _please_ which Danny had so quietly voiced. He didn't just love Danny either, he cherished _this._

"What do you want? Just the sex? Just … this? Or do you really want more?" Danny whispered. "What do _you_ want, Steven? Do you really want _me_?"

Danny's eyes flashed brightly and Steve, though he was beginning to sense the tides had begun to turn, had to grin despite the warning tone in Danny's voice. "What do you have in mind?" Steve asked as he let Danny shove him even harder against the wall, Danny's knee wedged between his legs.

"Wrong answer," Danny whispered. There was a look of regret even as Danny's knee traveled higher. Danny shook his head, not exactly smiling. Then as if to prove that very point, Danny simply released him. He backed up a full step, his eyes on Steve's face … and just … waited.

It was up to Steve to figure out the _how_ since the _what_ was becoming almost achingly clear. Danny loved him implicitly and wasn't so secretly pleased that Steve had chased him down, using a lousy kid's sneaker as an excuse. But in the same token, this could all change in an instant proving Steve's fears. Validating Danny's fears, too that the universe had it in for him.

Steve refused to let that happen.

"I'm all in, Danny," Steve said. His smile broke free but then wavered again. Danny's face was suddenly inscrutable. "What?" Steve found himself afraid to ask as his stomach twisted into a tight knot. The reason was as clear as the nose on his face.

_Danny didn't believe him._

Steve blinked, fought for something smart to say and then finally just said it out loud.

"You don't believe me, do you." More statement than question, the guilt and self-blame were evident. He had fucked up. Big time and Steve's insides began to crumble. Shatter. Shards of glass twisted inside his chest as Danny slowly shook his head from left to right.

"I want to but why should I?" Danny whispered. "I really want to. God, I _wanted_ to and I think you believe that you're all in. But I'm not sure you know how to be and Steve, with my kids, I can't afford for you not to be sure. And if you meant what you said before? That this was all you got … and could handle … then I'm out. I have to be. For Grace's and Charlie's sakes."

Steve blanched. He felt all the color drain from his face as Danny reminded him of his earlier, glib remark. Why had he said that? It could have been a learned knee-jerk reaction to possibly getting pinned down to a commitment. But he had said it and Danny was justified in throwing it back at him.

Confused and torn up inside, Steve could shake his head and Danny's face fell six-ways to Sunday.

"You need to be sure," Danny murmured.

"Danny," Steve started to say what, he didn't quite know, until Danny offered him a sad little smile to save him the trouble.

"It's alright. Really," Danny said. "It's my normal. I'm used to it." He put his hand out, fingers splayed wide on Steve's chest. He paused, stifled a sharp, pained laugh and then looked up into Steve's face as if he might actually cry.

"Danny," Steve tried again but this time, Danny just shook his head as if he were offering the apology where Steve needed to.

"I get it. It's fine. But I don't want this to be my kids' normal; they don't deserve it."

With that, Danny backed up a full two steps, leaving a chasm between them. "Thanks for finding Charlie's sneaker. I'll get his other stuff later in the week. I think you should go. I'll see you on Monday. You need to go. Now. Please."

"No." Not knowing where the word came from when some part of him had nearly obeyed Danny's demand, Steve virtually spat the hard syllable out from between clenched teeth.

"No?" Eyes wide, expression a mix of an angry disbelief, Danny laughed the rejoinder as a warning between them. "I want you out of my house, Steven. This is going to be hard enough ..."

"No. I'm not going. I'm not leaving now … or ever," Steve said, encouraged when Danny was rendered speechless. His next words came hard and strong. "You're right that your kids don't deserve this as their normal. But Danny … this isn't going to be our normal either."

Danny swallowed hard, staring up into Steve's face. Still silent but the look on his face was slowly changing once more as tears welled in his eyes. Understanding that Danny's own internal struggle was taking on a similar emotional toll, Steve dug in. Neither of them wanted this to end. They were just shit at getting their feelings out, so it was going to be now or never. Inhaling deeply, Steve kept on talking before he lost what he wanted to say.

"I'm here to tell you what I want. I knew back at the house what I wanted the second you left me standing there alone. I want _you_. I want the kids. I'm all in. One hundred percent in. No matter what."

Steve stared hard at Danny as something else dawned on him. Danny had been far too accepting of them not working out. As much as Danny ached for their relationship to work, he'd practically written that dismal ending for them already. Steve's soft inner voice applauded his astuteness. Part of Danny had them pegged to fail from the start. But Steve was not other people. He wasn't some fluke in Danny's ridiculous concept of living in a forever jinxed universe. Similarly, Steve did not need to throw up walls. Ever.

"And," Steve said the first thing that came to mind to correct his partner's perception. "I'm not your normal."

Danny raised an eyebrow at that. His lips twitched upwards but he remained silent as Steve fought to amend what he meant.

"That came out wrong. I meant to say that you deserve to be happy," Steve tried and then scowled inwardly. "Damnit." He shook his head when Danny's eyes began to sparkle gleefully, displacing that sad, glassy look. "I deserve to be happy, too. No more evasive tactics."

"Evasive tactics?" This time Danny leaned forward at the waist and laughed out loud. Not at him per se, but along with him as Steve began to chuckle in embarrassment.

"Shit." Steve fought to backpedal. "Come on Danno! That's not exactly what I meant either! You make me happy! _You!_ So I'm not leaving you and I'm not letting you leave me. I'm all in which means that you're all in, too."

"Is that some sort of new edict in your benevolent dictatorship?" Danny actually snickered at him. His eyes were suddenly dancing with laughter though.

Steve bit his lip and then shrugged. He was feeling all talked out and an interesting silence hung between them. A bird twittered outside. A car with a busted muffler accelerated past the house. In this neighborhood, the comforting sounds of the ocean were evasive at best. He heaved in a great breath of air before stepping forward and placing his hands on Danny's shoulders.

"You're not my normal?" Danny still seemed to be tickled by the words. Steve pursed his lips and then smiled.

"Yeah, not _that_ normal. I'm sorry about this morning. I knew you wanted me to stay and I ran … it was stupid. I won't do it again," Steve promised softly. "Please come home."

Steve watched as Danny sucked in a strangled breath of air and far too many emotions flashed across his face. Danny continued to be torn - all of this could be coming too late - and Steve had done that to him.

"Please," Steve whispered. "Come home."

"I don't know," Danny said as he lifted his shoulders in a sad shrug under Steve's hands. "I just don't know." Steve blinked in alarm, suddenly worried anew that Danny would continue to refuse.

"How many times can I apologize, Danny?" Steve repeated.

"No. Don't be sorry. I should have just … I think that … I probably want too much," Danny stammered apologetically. "I pushed too hard. I worry about the kids too much."

"No. You don't want too much. You're right to want to protect Charlie and Grace. But we're good," Steve interrupted fast. "We're almost too good in fact and just maybe … that's why I had some … issues finding the right balance." Steve shook his head in feeling a bit annoyed with himself. Here he was using the same old words again. "Listen. I came here to get something back. Not just return a sneaker. I lost my focus on us, Danny. And when I lost my focus I risked losing something else. Someone very important to me."

Danny smiled as Steve hands caressed each side of his neck, holding him still as Steve craned his neck down for a kiss. One that was careful and doting since Danny still seemed uncertain.

"Come home with me. Let me make it up to you," Steve whispered into Danny's ear as he ran his hands over the tight muscles of Danny's shoulders. Lower then to the base of his spine where he tucked Danny in even closer. "I just lost my place a little bit with where you and I were and where we need to be."

"I don't want to stop here," Danny admitted quietly. "This collision of ours, it has to be more. Don't you think?"

"Yeah, there's more," Steve smiled as he nuzzled a gentle circle across Danny's cheek. "Collision. I like that but it doesn't have to be all negative."

Danny snuffled a wet laugh into his neck. "What part of a collision isn't negative?"

Steve grinned as he kissed the tip of Danny's nose. "The very definition of the word means it's not exactly negative - at least not all the time." He paused, one eyebrow raised to recite a well-learned phrase from his days at the Academy. "The word collision indicates an event in which two or more bodies exert forces on each other in a short period of time. I think that fits us perfectly ... from day one."

"If you remember, I punched you in the face on day one," Danny chortled. He was amused but still cautious. "After you got me shot."

"True. But where in which two elastic bodies collide … they produce energy. Kinetic energy and therefore … heat," Steve continued, kissing the bridge of Danny's nose up to the crest of his forehead.

"Though, it can be argued that we are inelastic. We do sometimes have this question of friction which affects …" He paused again to run his fingers lightly through Danny's hair. "It affects our kinetic energy. But that's not all bad because in this case, two inelastic objects ... which happen to collide can then coalesce … becoming one, like a drop of water … after impact."

"While Steve the Science Guy is a definite turn-on," Danny actually giggled while wrapping his arms around the small of Steve's waist. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Physics," Steve whispered as he wrapped himself like a blanket around Danny's entire body. "Where size matters in matching our closing speed so we don't lose … momentum."

"Size matters?! Is that supposed to be my key take-away here from this very ... extremely interesting ... lesson in Physics?" Danny burst out laughing but didn't pull away much to Steve's delight. "Why do I think you're manipulating these half-assed definitions just to suit yourself?" Danny was relaxed now, all vestiges of worry and argument gone and Steve grinned more widely as he stared down into the blue of his eyes.

"Size always matters, Danno," Steve said cheekily as he pressed his pelvis forward to give Danny a lewd, heated rub. But suddenly serious for a moment, he gazed determinedly into Danny's face. "But this science is sound. I won't lose momentum, Danny. I won't change course."

"And all this time I thought it was only Biology that mattered the most," Danny murmured, eyes closing as Steve kissed his lids, each cheek and then rediscovered his mouth.

"Hmmm. Physics. Biology. Even …. Chemistry … they all have their unique benefits. In fact Chemistry can be downright …. mind-blowing," Steve chuckled as he most nimbly unbuttoned Danny's shirt. Sliding the material off Danny's body, bare chest to bare chest, they sank to the floor together in the quiet of Danny's one-time home.

"Don't stop," Danny whispered ardently and Steve smirked as his kiss deepened.

"Never," Steve promised so much in that one word as he doted more, held Danny tighter. Steve had no intention of stopping. Not until he'd indulged Danny's every whim and given him a very private lesson in each of these very important scientific disciplines … then after, they'd go home.

_**~ End. ~** _


	3. Lyrics: Collide by Howie Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics for the song prompting this fic-let.
> 
> "Collide" is a song by American singer Howie Day. It was released in July 2004 as the second single from his second full-length album, Stop All the World Now. The song was written by Day and Better Than Ezra frontman Kevin Griffin. The London Session Orchestra provided backing instrumentation on the initial album version of the song.
> 
> Howie Day collaborated with Griffin while writing this song. The song's lyrics are rooted in a relationship, with notes of the occasional adversity the two people involved may face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apparently, I'm a smarmy, sappy romantic

##  _Collide - Howie Day_

_The dawn is breaking_   
_A light shining through_   
_You're barely waking_   
_And I'm tangled up in you_

  
_Yeah_

_I'm open, you're closed_   
_Where I follow, you'll go_   
_I worry I won't see your face_   
_Light up again_

_Even the best fall down sometimes_

  
_Even the wrong words seem to rhyme_   
_Out of the doubt that fills my mind_   
_I somehow find_

  
_You and I collide_

_I'm quiet you know_   
_You make a first impression_   
_I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind_

_Even the best fall down sometimes_   
_Even the stars refuse to shine_   
_Out of the back you fall in time_

  
_I somehow find_

  
_You and I collide_

_Don't stop…_


End file.
